I’m responsible. If only I’d said ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’, things might have worked out differently for all of us. It was one of the those sliding doors moments where if I’d made a different split-second decision the world might be better off and I could have ended up as Gyneth Paltrow. Truth is, I’ve been winning a lot of awards recently, and I’ve run out of places to put them. I can barely move from one end of the house to the other without tripping over some prize or other. That’s why, when FIFA called, offering me their inaugural ‘FIFA Peace Prize, my response was a big fat ‘no’.
Some people – snobs mostly – have snidely suggested that FIFA has no business in giving out something like a peace prize. Granted, their day job is to administer a sporting code, but to me it’s only natural that they should be interested in matters of international diplomacy ahead of, for example, a reasonable World Cup draw or ensuring that a bucket of chips at a match doesn’t require a second mortgage. That wasn’t my problem.
Others have complained that the creation of a FIFA Peace Prize represents an abrupt change of course, straying far from their core business. I disagree. It’s not that FIFA has made up an award out of nowhere, it’s that no-one had really done enough to deserve it before now. FIFA has been running since 1904 and I can’t really think of anyone in the past one hundred and two years who’s done more to deserve a FIFA Peace Prize than myself. Granted, there’s been the odd individual over the past century that’s meant well, but FIFA has earned the right to be picky.
I regret saying ‘no’. It’s just that there’s been so many other accolades coming my way recently that I may have overreacted. There was the ‘Lego Prize for Contributions to Nuclear Fusion’ last July (I had to assemble the trophy with help from a twelve-year-old. It took ages). That was followed by the ‘Flora Margarine Award for Contributions to Intergalactic Harmony’ and the ‘Hairhouse Warehouse Endowment for Mathematics’. By the time I was given the ‘Red Rooster Trophy for Achievements in Advanced Puzzle Solving Whilst Blindfolded’, I’d reached my limit. So when FIFA reached out to me, I’d had a gutful and told them, in no uncertain terms, to get on their bike.
Having spent good money getting a trophy built, FIFA went and gave the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize to someone else. When I learned who they’d ultimately chosen, I immediately wondered how many other people had rebuffed FIFA before they found someone willing to accept. I can’t be sure, but I suspect the answer to that question might be ‘nearly everyone’.
And so it is that President Donald J. Trump was given the trophy that I, and possibly everyone else, had rejected. He seemed overwhelmed at the presentation. Indeed, he’d reacted like someone who’d never had the thrill of getting the ‘Flora Margarine Award for Contributions to Intergalactic Harmony’. The trophy, a golden globe balanced on the fingertips of disembodied hands, could politely be described as ‘gaudy’ and, to that extent, will blend in with the décor in the Oval Office.
Rumours that the President refused to believe that the award was not made of chocolate and attempted to eat it are little more than a rabid left-wing conspiracy and those teeth marks belong to somebody else. Probably Stephen Miller.
It’s not entirely clear whether President Trump realises that FIFA and the Nobel Committee are not the same thing. I’m semi-confident that he’s mistaken Greenland for North Korea. But a misunderstanding of that kind is nothing compared to what he thinks getting the award actually means.
When you reach the pinnacle, where can you go? Nowhere. Which is why it’s best to step back and quit whilst you’re ahead. Now that President Trump has been bestowed with the ultimate accolade that is the FIFA Peace Prize, he can retire from anything that might bare the faintest resemblance to peace. Put simply, now that he has an award, there’s simply no point in being peaceful anymore.
I don’t know if there’s a FIFA War Prize, but I suspect that President Trump thinks there is and he’s committed himself to winning it. After all, what’s the point of a peace prize without a war prize to match it? Like a saltshaker without a pepper one to match, these things really ought to come in pairs. This, I feel, accounts for what can only be described as an ‘overtly aggressive’ start to the year. Venezuela, Cuba, Mexico, Denmark and the Chair of the Federal Reserve are all now part of one man’s obsession to add more silver or, perhaps ‘gold’ ware to his trophy cabinet.
It’s going to be a long, strange year.