Dear Elon,
Thanks for your recent email asking me to list five things I did last week. Although you wanted a response within forty-eight hours, I thought it best for both of us if I took my time and gave you a more considered answer. There’s nothing worse than reactions that are impulsive or ill-thought out. I’m sure you’ll agree.
Firstly, I watched you on a stage dressed like twelve-year old on a free-dress day. It’s not clear to me whether that was the look you were going for or simply decided that getting dressed in the dark was a good idea. It’s often said that ‘clothes maketh the man’. Sadly, that’s not the entire quotation – it should actually read ‘clothes maketh the man a complete idiot’. You, dear Elon, are a case in point.
Let’s start with the oversized sunglasses – I’ve no idea how you ended up with Kim Jong Il’s sunglasses. I’d no idea you were even friends. The oversized shades are something that you can only get away with if you’re a despotic dictator and, even then, because no-one has the nerve to tell you that you look terrible. Then there’s the hat.
The oversized hat looks like something that should be worn by a much younger person who answers to a name like, ‘Scooter’ or ‘Chip’. The entire ‘dark, gothic MAGA’ thing reeks of desperation and screams, ‘please like me and my cool hat!’ whilst ensuring your status as a socially awkward outsider remains cemented for eternity.
As for the t-shirt, I had no idea until I googled it that the phrase ‘I’m not procrastinating, I’m doing side quests’ is some kind of gamer reference. The reason I had to google it is because I don’t play video games. And, even if I did, I’d probably do so in the privacy of my own home and not draw attention to it by wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with a gamer slogan. In a way, I’m relieved. As a middle-aged man, I thought it impossible that there might be someone out there who was less cool than I was – turns out there is, and that person is you, Elon.
That said, the three-quarter length black coat is ideal for anyone seeking to make the leap from eccentric, cuddly billionaire to full-fledged Marvel villain. All that remains is for you to change your name to something sinister like ‘the Elonator’ and to threaten to block out the sun for the fun of it and the transformation will be complete.
Secondly, I saw you hold a chainsaw on that very same stage and realised that it was probably the first time in your life that you had, in fact, ever held a chainsaw. For future reference, you don’t wave them around in the air like some kind of tree-felling maraca. Also, next time you’re in public, don’t hold a chainsaw above your head whilst yelling ‘chainsaw!’ like a psychopath. You’ll look like a complete lunatic. Or, more to the point, like an even bigger lunatic.
The third thing I did this week was to watch the stock market take dive because your big orange buddy has decided to treat the world economy like my dog used to treat his favourite chew toy – he’d put it between his teeth, shake it around, slobber all over it and, at some point, bury it in the back yard. I’m sure that, somewhere along the line, the analogy breaks down, but it hasn’t yet. I’ll tell you, Elon, I’m more than a little concerned. The only way I can describe how I’m feeling right now about your pal is that it’s like he’s someone who said they knew how to fly a plane and it’s only now when he’s in the cockpit at thirty thousand feet and behind the controls that he’s willing to admit that he doesn’t.
The fourth thing I did was watch you refer to someone as a ‘traitor’ because they went to Ukraine. You did so on your own social media platform, X, which you have successfully transformed from the digital town square to something more akin to its sewerage treatment plant. Yuck.
The fifth and final thing I did this week? Simple – I wrote this list of five things I did. Granted, it’s not the best use of my time (or yours – presumably there’s a democratically elected official you could be sacking), but here we are. I figured you might appreciate the feedback. I’m mindful that, as the (currently or – by the time I finish writing this sentence – formerly) richest man in the world, you may need it.
My message, Elon, is this: no more side quests – go back to your day job and stop trying to destroy the jobs of others. To borrow the powerful phrase coined by T.S. Eliot – ‘you came in like a wrecking ball’. (On second thoughts, it might have been Miley Cyrus and I’ve just imagined you in the music video, swinging on said wrecking ball as naked as the day you were born whilst yelling ‘chainsaw’ at the top of your lungs.) I look forward to receiving your list of accomplishments from the past week. Hopefully one of them is ‘hired a stylist’.
Yours hopefully,