Tag: #maga

ONE MONTH DOWN, TWO HUNDRED AND SEVEN MONTHS TO GO

I’m not afraid to say it – I was wrong.  In fact, I’ll go further – I was spectacularly wide of the mark and profoundly mistaken when I brazenly, if not recklessly suggested that the world order would be upended, and any sense of global stability would sink into a soup of self-inflicted chaos under President Donald Josephat Trump.  Rather than spiralling into a pit of turmoil and pettiness, we have, instead, witnessed the glorious resurrection of a once-great Nation.  It’s not just what he’s done so far that’s fantastic, it’s what he’s going to do next that’s truly exciting.

Next week, President Trump will sign an Executive order banning the use of prime numbers.  To those who would argue that such an action might be divisive, I would simply point out that this is impossible, as not being divisive is kind of what prime numbers are all about.  This is a move that’s long overdue – the refusal of prime numbers to play nicely with the other digits marks them out as elitist and, as such, they must be eliminated.  Granted it may have a minor effect on inconsequential things like computer programming and mathematics more broadly, but it’s a small price to pay (and either Mexico or Canada should pay it).

After the glorious triumph that was the unilateral decision to rename ‘The Gulf of Mexico’ as ‘The Gulf America’, it’s high time to take the next logical step.  The song ‘Spanish Harlem’ by Ben E. King will, here forthwith be known as ‘American Harlem’, ‘English Ham’ will now be known as ‘American Ham’ and ‘the Dutch Oven’ will be done away with completely.  By Executive Order, the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ will be replaced by a Kid Rock song.  I’m not sure which Kid Rock song and I doubt that it matters.

If there was a defining issue in last year’s election, it was undoubtedly concerns over the leadership of the Kennedy Centre for the Performing Arts.  And so it was that an anxious nation was delivered the glorious news that the Board had been sacked and President Trump had installed himself both as the Board Chair and its principal dancer.  His debut performance will consist of a three-hour version of ‘YMCA’.  A lot of people are saying that it’s the greatest dance routine they’ve ever had the good fortune to bear witness to, and who are we to disagree? 

We can expect a complete overhaul of the performance program.  Gone are ballets and operas, replaced by proper cultural pursuits like championship wrestling and hot dog eating competitions.  About time.

Tired of fumbling around for the correct change?  Not anymore!  After dispensing with the penny, the President’s next big move will be to abolish regular currency altogether and make a permanent shift to crypto.  Sound confusing?  If so, then you’re part of the problem and should immediately hand yourself in.   

Golf will remain an Olympic sport.  In fact, golf will remain as the only Olympic sport and team USA will comprise of one person and one person only, Donald J. Trump.  Having other countries win medals represents a serious trade imbalance that must be addressed as a matter of urgency.  That’s why nations seeking to compete in the Olympics will be confronted with (naturally) an Olympic-sized tariff as a means of either evening up the competition or, preferably, eliminating it altogether. 

Obviously, podiums will have to be redesigned to have one tier only (for the winner), disposing of the tiers for second and third place getters which are both unnecessary and distasteful, given that these people are, by definition, losers.  One tier avoids needless waste.  This is a key philosophical shift, where the new administration refuses to recognise mediocrity with the notable exception of cabinet appointments.

If you thought that annexing foreign lands would end with Canada, Panama, Greenland and Gaza, think again.  Tuesday mornings will now be devoted to a lottery in which the next country to join America will be chosen. But it’s not all take, take, take.  In the interests of fairness, the administration is selling (or, at least, selling out) Ukraine by redefining notions of sovereignty to whatever takes Vladimir Putin’s fancy at the time.

You may ask why I’m writing about another country.  It’s often said that when America sneezes, Australia catches cold.  Or, given that we’re talking about Donald Trump, if America sneezes, Australia needs a visit to the GP and a dose of penicillin.  It may well be I’m reacting to the ‘shock and awe’ of the last few weeks.  But stability in government is a good thing and, dare I say it, entertainment is to be avoided.   My hope is that the current madness is a phase, but it seems unlikely.  There seems to be no boundary that won’t be breached, no gutter that won’t be danced in.  I am now counting down the remaining one thousand four hundred and thirty days of the remaining term and crossing my fingers that there isn’t a Constitution-defying third.  Here’s hoping.

The New Bronzer Age: Trump, the Sequel

I saw it all.  The excited supporters, the rows of flags and the map as it was slowly devoured by blocks of red and blue.  When I was younger, American elections were a distant curiosity; a largely administrative affair that would merit little more than a slight lifting of the eyebrows.  It’s different now.  What was routine now feels more volatile, less predictable.  Welcome to Trump, the Sequel.

When Donald Trump took to the stage of the Palm Beach County Convention Centre and Drive Through Bottle-shop, I was certain he was going to announce that he’d already built a fully operational Death Star.  As Darth Donald stood astride the stage, his face aglow both with a sense of vindication and whatever industrial-grade bronzer he’s currently using, I’ll admit I felt a little deflated.  It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.

Traditionally, the slightest whiff of scandal is enough to end a political career.  In Donald’s case, it seems to be the fuel that enhances rather than diminishes his standing.  Charm used to be considered an asset.  Now, it’s something to be avoided.  Despite his best efforts to repulse a nation if not the globe more broadly, it has drawn more people to him.  He can swear, denigrate and do unspeakable things to a microphone stand, to no avail.

Once, I saw the film ‘Stakeout’ starring Richard Dreyfuss and Emilio Estevez.   Even though they’re both more than capable actors, the movie was a stinker.  For reasons that defy logic, they made a sequel imaginatively entitled ‘Another Stakeout’.  Although I hadn’t thought it possible, ‘Another Stakeout’ was even worse that the first one.  This is how I feel about the news of another Trump Presidency.

But it raises the question as to what’s worse – that they made both films or that I watched both films.  (Or, in the case of ‘Another Stakeout’, the first twenty minutes – it was that bad).  Anything was possible the first time.  But there was little hope for the sequel.  The ‘Another Stakeout’ rule applies here.

A second act in politics is usually about redemption.  People return older, wiser, chastened.  But this is a comeback that seems to be more about revenge than redemption.  Granted, by any measure, it’s a remarkable feat.  But it’s also one that’s difficult to understand.  There were times when he seemed to be doing everything within his power to alienate as many people as possible.  I don’t know why it didn’t work.

Do you remember the Mel Brooks film, ‘The Producers’?  It featured Zero Mostel and the always fabulous Gene Wilder.  Zero plays Max Bialystock, a Broadway producer, who learns he can make more money producing a flop than a hit.  He and Leo Bloom set off to find the worst musical possible and eventually stumble across ‘Springtime for Hitler’.  But when it makes its debut, the show is so incredibly bad that people find it funny.  Later, the two protagonists lament, saying, ‘where did we go right?’

Now comes the inevitable parade of characters from the MAGA-Extended Universe.  What role will Hulk Hogan play in the upcoming administration?  I can imagine the Hulkster being deployed to North Korea and….on second thoughts, that’s as far as my imagination takes me – Hulk Hogan goes to North Korea and stays there.  But just as the Hulk-meister probably thinks he can rip a t-shirt from his sagging torso just as well now as he could in the good old days, I’m sure he has visions of striding into the UN General Assembly, wearing a MAGA bandana and red speedos, threatening to body slam any member of the international diplomatic corps that might defy him.  Lord help us all.

Robert F Kennedy junior will apparently have some role in health policy.  This is a missed opportunity.  He should be White House press secretary if only so he can regale the assembled media with tales of dumping a deceased bear cub carcass in a New York park and then trying to make it look like it was the victim of a bicycle accident because he had a plane to catch.  Which sounds like a joke, except it isn’t.  Rudy Guiliani would be on hand to freshen everybody’s drink.

And then there’s Elon.  It’s hard to imagine a more disappointing and conflicted human being.  On the one hand, there’s the electric car thing, which seems quite awesome.  On the other hand, there’s everything else.  From turning Twitter into a conspiracy-laden sink hole of stupidity to his attempts to address population decline single handedly, he is both the world’s richest person and one of its least likeable.  Today there’s news that Elon’s new job is to cut government spending.  If he does half as well as he’s done Twitter, chances are it will be a shambles.  Whatever his skills, Elon is not a people person.

It’s strange when things don’t turn out as you expect.  And, in this case, kind of jarring.  But history isn’t a straight line.  It’s a pendulum and as surely as it will swing in one direction it will come back to the middle in due course.  I hope.